Betrayal is a symptom

sometimes I don't know.  I feel like I'm moving on and making new friends and it's great.  However, when I see my other friends doing the same thing I worry about them and the friends they're making.  I mean- the people I hang out with these days drink and go clubbing- and I don't mind because they respect that I don't do that.  And maybe everyone's else's new friends may respect that as well and maybe I've over reacting but i don't think I am.  I knwo that they're drinking and thinking about going to clubs when tey're still underage...  I get that they want to be popular and the desire can be really strong sometimes- but it kills me to see them slipping.  
I get that we all need friends to talk to about where we are with God, and of course it's hard to not relate to feeling far from God and not being strong in your prayer life.  And our natual response to someone telling us that is to say, "yea been there done that" but I think that maybe it just gives them an opt-out.  I mean- when I see people with a strong prayer life and relationship with God and I hear them saying I slack off sometimes it almost makes me want to keep being lazy becaue it's like now I'm not the only one... It just doesn't seem healthy- and the more people that say that to you the more you are able to fall away and do stupid things.  
Just a rant... 

I thought this was going to be impossible. But I'm moving on. I'm doing it.
I have all kinds of friends... but we let our lives become so consumed with what's wrong and the world that we forget to knw anything about how they are doing with God... and when someone comes along and asks it's so weird and we do nothing more then shut them down and mock them... But maybe that's what we all need. Someone to just be there and be like God loves you. All the time.
I don't know, I shut down this whole bible study thing and being closed to the wrong people for so long. But allowing myself to heal and just admit that the hurt may not stil be there, but it's still hard has been such a big thing.Letting go of unhealty attachments should have been so hard, and letting God back in should have been hard, but I don't know, it hasn't been..
God is being amazing. I always remember being told not to test God, and God works in his time not on ours.. but then I would hear you know so and so gave God this ultimatium and he came through and that never happened to me... And maybe that isn't the way to go about it. Sometimes we just have to press in, and just do the hard stuff even when nothing seems to be coming from it. And in the strangest ways, ones that would appear to be horrible, he shows up and is like- take that!
I never really got the whole God is amazing, signs from God and all that shizzle... but I'm getting it. In my own time, in my own twisted ways that only God and I can understand...

funny how we always seem to go back to those who hurt us the most.
My unwillingness to let go of those who have hurt me and caused me the most pain and my unwillingness to stick with those who never let go and don't deserve my immaturity if that's what it is.
Always trusting those whom I shouldn't and being so distant to those who have proven themselves over and over again.
The polar opposite reaction is taking place in my brain.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm loving those who everyone else is rejecting because they need love and forgivness... but as someone told me the other day, 'my feelings are worth more then being hurt over and over again'. In one respect I get that and agree, but in another didn't Jesus always teach abotu forgivness and turning the other cheek? I don't know.
All I know is that I confuse myself quite a bit most of the time and wonder what the heck is wrong with me

so young.
I don't know what to do... I don't know what's best this time... Would doing something about it make things stop, or push even more limits (not that there are any left to push at this point)? Am I being selfish in not wanting to loose something so close to my heart, or am I really acting in the best interest of the other's at this point and how do I know? The one thing about the Catholic circle in Ottawa is that really, there's only one. Everyone knows everyone else... so next begs the question of where do yo go for advice on the big stuff? Really. I guess the answer is simple... if it's so big that anyone else would go to the length to track down the proper people to inform the answer is straight forward and simple... right?
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As stupid as it sounds the obvious answer isn't always the right one... you know? Sometimes it just isn't, but how do you know?! Who do you talk to, to figure it out, without telling someone who shouldn't know about the situation, what to do?!
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes I truly find myself amazed by those around me. It seems the younger we are the wiser we are. The more willing to love, and forgive, andlet ourselves be hurt and tried... To give chance after chance just because we ourselve so often need that extra chance.
Sometimes all we need is a taste.. and sometimes it's never enough, the glass is bottomless and all we want is more.
Everytime I'm ready to accept an move on, the more I find myself retreating away. And the more I say it outloud the more I want to scream and cry and make it not be that way anymore. I the more I want to hug and make it all better. The more I want to love. Everyone keeps saying this is right... and now it's starting to feel wrong. And I keep doing it because I'm hurt, and because I want to prove my point. But I don't think it's going in invoke change in the other person... and so really, is this form of help really helping?

All I know is that you were my person. And now you aren't. But sometimes I still want you to be.

we all wonder what life is about
why things are the way they are
what good things seem bad and bad things seem good
forgetting to look beyond ourselves
lost in the deep abbys of our minds
just one more thing to think about today
this last thought before I sleep
a last thought turns into many
and darkness turns to daybreak

as the days move forward I move back
forgetting I am loved, wondering if I ever was
wondering how when all I want in my life is light
I only seem to want to sleep through the day
and I know you want to understand and feel how I'm feeling
but as days come and go, the more I pull away
and the deeper inside my head I get
I run away screaming away from it all
and they'll all say 'if only she'd been loved'

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Self acceptance
esteem and prestige
love ans social acceptance
safety and security
physiological

Maslow's hierarchy of needs... sometimes I wonder if anyone really gets past #3... and it's funny because everyone says you need to accept yourself to be loved... but that comes after being loved and accepted. How do you accept yourself if no one loves you, and how do you love someone who doesn't like themselves, but how do you like yourself if no one else does? Fuck I hate life!

Memries,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Memries, may be beautiful and yet
Whats too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So its the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...
**************************************************************************************

Another year older and nadda
Everyone always seems to think that the older you are the more wise you become... well I don't know about you, but the older I get the more confused I become. The more questions I need to answer and yet the answer never seems to come.
It was so simple back then. Things were different.

It didn't feel real, or different until I was dirving home alone... late, just me in the car. Sitting in the drives side, no one beside me telling me I was to close to the white line.
I guess it really is different now. Although it's not different at home because we were really only there to sleep, it is different. So much more of my time was spent driving home with her then anything else and it's strange.
It's time for all of us to move on and slowly we are... But that stupid thing called change is in the way yet again. More change. Nothing ever seems to stay the same for any given peroid of time.
Friendships are different, and strange. As much as I want to move forward and onward and go up something is calling me to stay where I am for now; just to be. I've spent so many years trying to change my friends, the way I live, my grades, the way I dress, the way I talk... I've been avoiding the changes that are taking place around me by always changing first. And now, as much as I'm trying to change something there isn't anything left to change, it's finally my turn to just be and let the world change around me and maybe that's all the change I need right now... or maybe i'm jsut running from something unatainable in my own eyes. But I just don't know right now.

is life really what we think it is? or is it just our perception of things/people/events that form what we interpret life to be. Are things really how we see them, or just how we want to see them? are we just taking things at face value and not understanding the true meaning behind them, or are we reading into things to much and shoudl we just take them at face value?
For example: you like a boy, and you think he likes you. Now do yo think he likes you because you lik him, or because he's done things that would make it seem that way? And evn if he is doing things that would make it seem that way... do they only seem that way because you like him?
example two: you loose touch with a friend, then they get in trouble and people call you to help deal with the situation. You get frustrated because they called you. Are you frustrated because this friend is doing stupid stuff again or because you know there isn't anything that you can do. And is there nothing you can do because you've lost touch or becase there just isn't anything you can do? And how do you know the difference if you haven't spoken in a while?

sometimes it's just impossible to know where others are coming from and how they see things. You promise to be there for someone but you mean it like call if you need me and they take it as I'll call and see how you are all the time... who's right and who's wrong? Neither person, but the problem still remains.